It was quiet in the car.
I remember this because it was not so much quiet, as it was silent. And I, over the years, have become a connoisseur of sorts with respect to silence. Not many people know that there are different kinds of silences. There are at least 14 that I know of... though I won't get into the subtleties of this here. All you need to know, is that this particular silence was one that signified more than awkwardness, more than tension, more than hurt.... It generated an unsaid, but all too well understood, sense of finality, a realization that so many things had gone unsaid over the years... but perhaps most importantly, an admission of mistrust.
Though, as I suspected, she didn't seem to care... neither the silence, what it signified, or even the statement following seemed to penetrate her exterior.
It was nothing new, it had been too late for years. This story isn't about that. I just remember this particular day, not because it's when I admitted to her that I felt as if PA school was perhaps a dream that would never come true for me, or because she didn't seem to care, or because it may have been the last time I saw her in that city (I really don't remember), or because it was the first time I discovered this specific brand of silence, but because it's when I admitted to myself that I might not ever get into PA school.
In looking back, it tells me something about my resolve.... or perhaps my persistence, whether or not it was supported by sound judgement. As you know, I made it.... and did well, and am doing well in my chosen career. Here's the problem... I've achieved my goal, my seemingly unachievable goal. Really, one that I thought I may never accomplish. Now, here I am.... and the problem is this.... I haven't a new goal.... or, let me rephrase that. I hadn't a new goal, until not too long ago. This lack of an endpoint, a distant and perhaps impossible goal, bothered me. It turns out, I'm goal oriented, and perhaps a bit more type A than I'd like to admit. I am now, however, cool and unbothered, for I have a new impossible dream.
I love what I do, I love my career. But that's it, it's a career, a job.... it's work. The people who have it figured out have managed to do something that they cannot even bring themselves to call 'work' or a 'job.' It's just what they do, it's their passion... and they happen to get paid for it... and yes, they may be few and far between. And for me, it sure as hell is a long shot.... but so was the thought of PA school while I sat inside that old Cadillac.
Here's to the impossible.
