catlike speed and reflexes...

A naked baby is a dangerous baby. The business end is ready to blow at any time. It's simply frightening to see a diaperless baby for any length of time. When I do well child exams, I make sure to be quick when it comes to diaperless baby time. I'd rather not get pooped or peed on, if at all possible.

I am constantly reminded of the fragility of my non-poop-covered clothes. In pushing on a the belly of a little 2 month old the other day, I created such an uproar inside her, that a gurgle turned into a largre rumble and a quite adult sized fart.

Yes, we all had a good laugh, mom, myself and the child. but the consequenses would have been dire had she not been wearing that huggies. I was right in the line of fire.

But I'm really only fooling myself if I think I'm going to make it out unscathed. I've already been soiled in other rotations, and in this one. So what I should really be practicing (other than my body-washing technique) is my speed and reflexes.

Anticipate that the little baby boy is going to try pee on you when the flippin' thing is aiming right at you like a little flesh colored fire hose. (with seemingly the same amount of power. It could definetely clear a rowdy crowd nearly as well as the conventional fire hose.)

I need to know that blank look of confusion and anticipation that appears on the face of a snot covered three year old just before they sneeze right in your face. Cover up, be damned!

I need to be like Neo, in The Matrix, time needs to slow down, just a bit, for me. I need to recognize the signs of impending disgusting, and maneuver through the air in such a way to avoid all the contaminated fluid flying my way.

So here I come, with my catlike speed an reflexes, I'm betting this kid has strep, but to be sure I need to shove that horrible, long q-tip down his throat and make him gag.

I should get a face shield... like that of a fire-fighter.

I don't.

"Hey there you little germ monger... I"m gunna cram this thing down your throat, and it's gunna make you gag... I know, I know, it sucks. I HATED this as a kid, but it's quick, and then it's all done. Just try not to barf on me."

Now I don't say this, in so many words, but close. I'm definetely thinking it.

In goes the q-tip, and here comes the gag.... and an instantaneous cough... I feel my face peppered with spit.

crap.

shoulda worn the fire-fighter helmet.

4 mintues later, I find out that the cough shrapnal was indeed teeming with strep.

excellent.

I had already washed off my face, and hands.... but, alas, it was too late. the next day... with my sinuses plugged, sore throat, and headache, I headed back for more.

you got me, kid, you got me. if it wasn't you, it was one of the other 20 something i see per day. but you know what... I like it.

I just need to work on my matrix moves. I need to be more like Neo, and less like Chris Farley in 'Tommy Boy'.

"I was checking the a ... specs on the end line.... for the rotary...... girder. I'm retarded."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9mBn9bMB-g