I haven't seen the light... like that forced upon you

Today, I met a serial killer.

I think that this is a first for me. Though, I suppose I can't be certain.

I have watched the show 'Dexter' and that guy hides it well. But, he killed baddies, baddies like the guy I met today. The premise of the show is that this man, named Dexter, who works for the police, as a forensic photographer, or something along those lines, is actually a serial killer. He was born with this affliction, which is portrayed as a disease which he cannot control, like the involuntary movements of Parkinson's... or the undeniable urge to move your restless legs, for which the syndrome was aptly named. Though he cannot resist the urge to kill, he's learned to channel his disease to only kill those deserved of death, like the aforementioned serial killer - rapist... who after using up his prey, buried them in shallow, Alabama soil, graves. Left to be consumed by the land. In the show, Dexter has a conscience, has common decency, morals; he's depicted as a vigilante of sorts. A killer of killers.

This man was just a killer.

and today, he had a killer 'migraine.' A migraine that made him declare a medical emergency. This is prison's version of saying "I need to go to the ER." Though, this means that they see us first, and we decide what needs to be done, whether it be treat and street, admit to our inpatient unit, or send to the hospital.

I was warned that this man was "really creepy" and was told of his crimes. Nobody seemed to want to even lay eyes on him, not the provider, not the nurse.... they asked if i'd be comfortable, and i said yea...

I think I had prepared myself to meet Hannibal Lector, or maybe his evil twin.... so, when this short, pudgy, pear shaped man came hobbling into the medical unit.... I was surprised. His salt and pepper hair, transitions lenses, khaki jumpsuit and clean white New Balance's made him all the less intimidating. The lenses were still somewhat shaded as he had just entered from the sunny outdoors which contrasted the darkness that still surrounded this man... at least, in my perception.... this shaped after hearing stories of his crimes, and witnessing the staff's reaction when they knew he was outside, just waiting.

I led him into the trauma room, which was unnecessary, but, my preceptor didn't want him back in her office, because she was so put off by him.... and she's no fragile lotus blossom.

I had him take a seat in the chair where 'Kevin', one of the nurses had told me, before I called the killer in, "The chair's for him, the stool's for you," this, as if it was of prime importance I sit on the stool and Hannibal on the chair. It was so very planned, deliberate... careful..... as if I allowed the criminal to sit in the stool, he may be able to pry off a piece of metal from the old stool, hold me hostage, or use it to jimmy open the locks to free himself and go back to his murderous ways.

it was strange.

He sat in his assigned seat as instructed by me.

I reached out my hand to shake his as I sat down.... "Hey, my name is Chris. I'm a PA student working with 'Billy Jean' today... I hear you have a roaring headache...." I say as I shake the same hand that ended more than a few lives, and subsequently piled the earth upon their vacant bodies.

I got no chills... no creepy feelings or fear. It was just strange. Strange as I tried to picture this very non-threatening 50-something man raping, killing, and repeating. It was amazing to me that he could do these things, and still sit across from me, and complain of his headache... that he could rape and kill, not just once, but many times, and then sit feet away from me, and simply complain of his headache, then knees, then vision, then back, then neck..... as if he carried no weight, responsibility or guilt for what he had done. It seems to me that one should be tormented by the things that they've done, such things as these.... and they should be unable to function normally.

How could he go on with his life normally? He should be tormented by the things he's done... by the ghosts of those who's lives he's ruined. Instead, he's tormented by chronic pain; pain not limited only to his migraines.

It's just occurred to me now, that maybe this chronic pain, maybe these ailments are the haunting of the stolen souls. maybe this is their retribution, and his penance. Who knows....

In any case, I didn't feel bad when after learning that he had significant photophobia, i still needed to complete a cranial nerve exam, which includes flashing a light in his eyes to check pupillary reaction. Now, I didn't do this simply to cause him pain... I would have had to do it with anyone with this same complaint of a migraine.... but, with other folks, i may have felt bad. with him.... not so much.

After the first flash of light in his left eye, I see constriction and right pupillary accommodation... I go to the right side, and see the same.... exam done... or, it could have been done. I rechecked my work on more time, just to be sure.

"Sorry, I know that bothers you."

I sort of am sorry, somehow... still not entirely sure how. I think if i knew his crimes in detail... knew those affected by his actions... i wouldn't be sorry.... not in the least. but, without this knowledge, and the time or desire to imagine his evil deeds in great detail, I can't bring myself to hate him.

though, i am miles away from pitying him, empathizing with him, or caring whether or not he's in pain.

I guess, even though I made him see the light, he still hasn't seen the light.... neither have I.